For Sale……One slightly used wedding dress.
I ran into it at the back of the closet today.
I didn’t think it would make me cry…..
But there it was….all white and beautiful and outdated…..
It looked just like it did the day I wore it……but now….
….it has too many memories to feel safe in my closet.
I have had a friend bury hers. She took it out….had a ceremony….. and actually buried it six feet under.
I have had a friend sell hers and another give hers to someone who needed one….online I have read about people who made theirs into pillows to give to their daughters. I don’t think mine want any reminders currently…..
I cannot decide what to do with this dress.
None of my girls want it…….I wouldn’t want it if it had been my mother’s….a constant reminder of failure.
………..and I do not want it either. I find I don’t want anything from him anymore. I want to be completely done. I want to put my face forward and I don’t want to look back.
I am still dealing with how to be happy at any weddings that actually do take place…how to overcome the shame of a failed marriage….how to be a mom giving a bride away because there is no father…..how to stand there and wish them well…knowing that in their heads they might be thinking …”Well…it didn’t exactly work out for you now mom did it?” or they may just be hoping their marriage will work out better than mine did.
I brushed against the garment bag…..I heard the familiar rustle of the taffeta ….the organza….the ruffles.
I chose this dress because it seemed beautiful to me at the time….a lot like I thought my marriage would be.
The dress was flowing and feminine…..and so much like a princess in my head. I wanted to be radiant and beautiful. I wanted to be a woman who felt her husband thought she was beautiful that day….
I desired to make a memory that would last…year after year…watching the video and reminiscing about how wonderful the first day was and all the wonderful days that followed.
In the closet, it brushed against my arm…..now a reminder of all that did not happen….and all that I failed to do….all that I had dreamed …….and all that came crashing down in an instant.
It is hanging there in the closet…..
…….and I am sitting here crying…. I am allowing myself to grieve.
I need to figure out what to do with one slightly used wedding dress…..
I need to figure out what to do with one slightly used heart.