I am staring at some words on a page right now……..”I love to dance!”
They are true……but not true ……..hmmmm.
I don’t want to go out to meet a match that has written to me…….. because he says he loves disco and freestyle dancing. He says he really doesn’t like to waltz or Texas two-step…….
It just triggers the hell out of me.
One of the places I feel not enough is dancing. I just don’t get it. I don’t like being the center of attention in that venue. I don’t feel like I look good or pretty or even remotely sexy while I am dancing like that. It conjures up all kinds of horrible feelings for me to hate disco this much and feel so inadequate around that type of dancing.
It makes me remember someone. UGH! I remember her ability to be a wonder woman in this area. She loved dancing. I was told she was a dancer at a local strip joint. She could free style dance and be the sexy woman on the dance floor. I actually admired her ability to be so carefree. I, on the other hand, am more like a wooden doll on the disco dance floor.
But in social dancing…… I can be myself! Give me a Colonial gown and I can dance the Virginia Reel and feel absolutely lovely. With a pair of boots on, I can do the Texas Two-step (albeit not very well) but I love it! I could practice and get much better. I loved Salsa lessons, and I am sure I would love to Waltz and even do the Jitterbug! I would enjoy Swing….anything that didn’t require me to pretend I am super sexy and able to think up all those moves on my own…..to impress some guy!
Ugh! It is maddening. I just don’t desire to dance like that. I admire people who can, but I cannot!
So here I sit about to write some guy and tell him that I am too busy to meet at all this week or ever. I cannot meet him. I cannot. It would take all my energy just to pretend ………the memories of feeling so inadequate would make me feel so totally crazy and not enough and stiff and unsexy and……the list goes on!
I see now that I will never be that dancing, disco diva. I am simply a silly, melancholy maiden…….who turns down dates because she cannot stand the thought of not being a good compliment to a disco man. I am not a Disco Diva. But I at least love that I am a Social Dancing girl. It is a real step forward to be able to love this part of myself!
Someday….someone, who also loves social dancing, will be interested enough in me to call or write. They will invite me to some shindig with fiddles and waltzes or quartets and Virginia Reels……then I can write back…
“YES….I would LOVE to go dancing!”