Mostly Dead

I don’t want to slay dragons!

Right now in my bathroom  there is a roach! It is under a bench and lay dying. It is legs up and wiggling its antennae and front two legs……and I don’t want to have to go in there and drop a book on it. I discovered it last night as I was on the floor texting a friend. Just sitting in the dark talking electronically about a college trip upcoming and asking how a flight went, I was startled when it climbed around making noise in a box that had delivered a package to me a few days earlier. The packing peanuts were making noise.

I screamed and flicked on the light and out it jumped….terrified like me,  I suppose. I ran to the kitchen and got the roach spray. I hate pesticides and try very hard not to use chemicals….until a roach jumps out at me. I stood up on the bench in my bedroom and sprayed the whole can at a bug that was only an inch and a half long. It ran around like a crazy out of control creature….which of course it was. I then ran out of roach spray and got some gardening chemicals left over from a plant my daughter had left with me years ago. I sprayed that on the bug next….well really I sprayed it in the general direction of the box and bug. It jumped out of hiding again and ran for the bathroom……

I sat in my bed brooding. What do I do now?

I decided to turn out the light and call it a night. I sat afraid and grumpy and hurting in my heart….in bed….in the dark….

Angry.

I always get a little angry with God when bugs show up. It is an ongoing argument.

Me: Really God? I simply hate bugs. You know this, and yet here is this disgusting, large, horrible, scary bug….and I am alone and supposed to get rid of it?

Him: Silence

Me: But I hate bugs….and I hate the helpless feeling that being scared of them gives me. And I hate having to squish them and hear the crunch and feel all weak and scared inside over a bug. I know this bug won’t hurt me, but I am afraid all the same.

Him: More silence and a gentle smile……

I brushed my teeth in the front guest bathroom, crawled into bed….got out of bed….turned on the light….hunted for the roach and found him lying under a bench in the bathroom wiggling slightly but legs up.He was mostly dead.  It was good enough for me, and I went to bed .

This morning however…..I had to check to see that he was still dead. He is still only mostly dead.

I am debating about which book to use to crush the remaining life out of him. I am still conversing with God. I am still feeling small and afraid of a roach. I feel vulnerable here.

That is it.

I hate feeling alone and vulnerable and desiring a protector.

I want someone who isn’t afraid of roaches. I desire someone who would protect me from bugs.

Isn’t it silly? Here in the 21st century, I desire a Knight.

I just don’t want to be the bug killer and have to make myself safe in every situation.

I want to trust and be protected and not have to hear crunching bug bodies. I desire protection.

It is very simply a desire of my heart. I want a hand to hold and a man who will hear my screams about bugs.

It is ridiculous and old-fashioned and so….so….disheartening to me when I am not able to feel safe and not able to just be brave.

In my fifth grade classroom, a boy usually steps up and kills bugs easily,  or I put on my teacher face and simply step on them, and it is done.

But in my bedroom…..in my own house….I want a protector. I desire a Knight to come and protect me here.

Ugh!

Off I go to face the dragon….er…I mean cockroach.

Yuk! I hate this part of being single!

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